Fantastic Beasts and How To Eat Them

The owlbear, a monster that has been around since time before record, the iconic beast that epitomizes the terrifying amalgamations that roam the realms of Faerun. You know how they look, you know how they sound, but how do they taste?

Owlbear

Owlbear is an interesting meat, because just as the creature is an amalgamation of two contradictory animals, its flavour is just as much of an enigma. Overall, it has most of the characteristics of bear meat, being rather intense in flavor and very gamey. However the color is much more similar to the dark meat on a turkey. Still pink in complexion, but nowhere near the deep maroons of bear meat. But the biggest factor in flavor is actually diet. This can be said of most beasts, but most beasts are much more picky eaters. Owlbears are omnivores, and they will eat anything they can get their claws on. This ranges from delicate greens and berries, to small game, fish, or anything that dares oppose it, whether wolf or man. What an Owlbear “really” tastes like, is its last meal. 

Owlbear By The Season:

Due to the volatility of the taste of the meat depending on its last meal, we can actually categorize Owlbear by the season. Spring time Owlbears will wake up from their hibernation and consume young tender greens, and berries. This leaves their meat rather tender, and mild in extra flavors, but with a nice sweetness to the end of it. In my opinion, this is the proper time for hunting Owlbear, as this is exactly how we want the meat. 

This may seem surprising at first. If I was to ask your average layman when Owlbear should be hunted, the obvious answer would be in the fall, right before hibernation, and after they have finished gorging themselves. But there are some issues with that plan. The first is that most Owlbears will bulk up on anything and everything they can before hibernating, making their diets even more of a hodge podge than it already is. Gods forbid that you are eating Owlbear that just finished scooping up salmon. The fishiness almost ferments in the beast’s gut, and imparts a downright foul aroma and flavor to the meat, as if you are dining on some fish that was left on the beach in the sun all day. 

Diet isn’t the only problem with Fall Owlbear however. The second issue is a bit surprising. Fall Owlbear is very fatty. Now to most avid eaters, that is exactly what they are looking for on a piece of meat. Fat is flavor after all, and whether it is chicken or beef, you usually want to render that fat down to extract the most out of it. The flavor of livestock is very tightly controlled by whatever their masters are letting them eat. If you have had game meat, you know that this isn’t the case for every animal. Even for venison, a relatively tame game meat, you need to be wary about too much fat, as it can impart strong, questionable flavors to the meat. 

Owlbear fat is magnitudes worse, and all those difficult flavors I just discussed get amplified in Fall Owlbear meat because of the sheer amount of fat they put on before hibernation. The true tragedy here is that many who hunt or consume Owlbear don’t realize this, and go for the time of year when they are fattiest, instead of the Springtime when they are tastiest. This has spoiled the meat for many individuals who try it, and I would advocate for you to give it another shot, assuming that it is hunted in the Spring and prepared by a competent chef.

Butchering:

Speaking of fat, let’s discuss the butchering process. Butchering Owlbear is not too difficult of a task, and the sheer meatiness of the beast provides great yields, even if the person doing the butchering makes some mistakes. The primary concern is the quick removal of fat, for the aforementioned reasons. If you store the meat with the fatcap still on, it can ruin it. As long as that is taken care of, feel free to separate it into whichever cuts make sense for your own culinary needs. As opposed to beef, which has a multitude of different uses and many different cuts to facilitate those, Owlbear is a bit more of a one trick pony.

Preparation:

There is one law to the preparation of Owlbear: low and slow. There are three reasons for this. First: as it is imperative to remove whatever fat we can, there is not much readily available fat to render down in a pan, leading to tougher meat when cooked hot and fast. Second: Owlbears are hard working animals, with very strong muscle fibers built up from constant use. They are not standing around grazing in fields, they are charging at their prey day in and day out. However this is a great bonus. While we don’t have much surface fat to moisten the meat, this muscle will dissolve into rich gelatin when given time over low temperatures. This is how you avoid the “tough as leather” Owlbear dishes that many consume in taverns. Finally: Owlbears eat anything and everything. It is better to just assume they are riddled with parasites than can get you sick unless cooked to proper temperatures. I repeat this, do not, under any circumstances, eat undercooked Owlbear. You don’t want to deal with the aftermath.

So then what can you do with Owlbear? As long as you abide by low and slow, you can do quite a lot! The standard hunter’s recipe is Owlbear Stew, and for good reason. Stews and braises are perfect avenues for the proper cooking of Owlbear, and allow its distinctive deep flavor to shine, while spicing it properly to avoid some of the more questionable extra flavors that come from its diet. I have also seen Owlbear meatballs that are browned quickly on a hot pan, then placed in an oven for a few hours in a rich sauce. Smoked Owlbear is another hit, using the smoke as a medium for low and slow cooking, and the smoke adds to the depth of flavor of the savory meat, while also covering up any imperfections or intense gaminess. Owlbear truly is a meat that shows the creativity and skill of the chef. In the wrong hands, it can be downright inedible, but with some smart thinking and gentle care, I would even call it my favorite game meat.

Let’s go through some example recipes to finish off.

Example Recipe - Owlbear Stew

This is a very common recipe that you’ll find in the realms of man, next to the forests that Owlbears call home. Elves also employ a similar method of preparation when culling overgrown Owlbear populations, and it is also a favorite among Dwarves, although this is a dish they need to go out of their way for as their territories are not usually filled with Owlbears in the first place.

In this recipe, Owlbear is first cubed, taking care to remove as much fat as possible, and is lightly coated in well-seasoned flour. It is then browned in a hot pot in butter or fat, but preferably fat from a different animal. Next, add some root vegetables to the pot and get some color on them. Deglaze the pot with a dark stout and some stock. Add a bouquet garni of sweet herbs, then bring the stew up to a boil before dropping to a simmer. Keep it cooking on low heat for 4 to 5 hours. Finally, season it to taste and enjoy with some fresh bread. This is a perfect dish for starting in the afternoon and letting it bubble away until your home smells amazing and you are ready to have supper. 

Example Recipe - Owlbear Tacos:

Admittedly, I had not heard the word “taco” until having this dish, but the gnomes I was dining with made sure I never forgot it. This method is a hidden gem, and one that I hope pops up more in the discussion of Owlbear meat. This dish is actually rather similar in preparation to Owlbear stew, as you will be braising the meat, however the serving process highlights the meat completely differently.

First, melt some butter and sear off your Owlbear meat in a pot until it has browned. We want to add our seasonings now, and those consist of all manner of Orcish spices from the steppes, such as cuminum, dried coriander seed, and various dried ground peppers. Then add in some onions, fresh peppers, garlic, stock, small beer, and orange juice. You want to let this simmer away for about 4 hours. Right before it is ready, make some thin Gnomish corn flatbreads, made by grinding corn into cornmeal, mixing with water, and pressing incredibly thin, then laying them on a cast iron pan to cook through. When the meat is done cooking it should be ropy, very similar to pulled pork, and come apart easily. Ladle the meat and reduced cooking liquid onto the flatbreads, then top with diced onions and herbs, devour, and thank me later.