Fantastic Beasts and How To Eat Them

Froghemoth

This monstrosity may not come across many denizens' minds when thinking of a worthwhile dish, but if you can get past the terrifying tentacled exterior, experienced chefs can serve you something interesting. I use the word “interesting” specifically, and not unfavorably, but it is a meat that the less adventurous may shy away from, especially if they know its origin. This is an important distinction throughout my writings. Taste is a completely objective thing. If you were raised on Froghemoth meat, then the texture will be no issue for you at all. Yet, I must still be aware that the majority of my readers are of Human, Halfling, Dwarven and Elvish descent, and for many of those peoples, this is a meat that may prove challenging. All I can say is that it is a challenge worth persevering through. Learning to appreciate new textures and flavors will open up an entirely new world of monsters to enjoy, so let Froghemoth be your first on that journey.

Butchering

First off, let’s discuss just how to get to that meat. The froghemoth is quite the meaty monster, with plenty of good meat for consumption. The trouble is getting to it because of that thick hide, it is a combination of tough and loose, which makes it incredibly difficult to cut through. Not to mention the size of the beast means maneuvering around it is quite difficult. I have seen different methods in different cultures for how to approach this problem. Some Orcs will form butchering teams and focus on making a long cut around the waist of the beast to separate the hide in two. Then they will play a macabre game of tug of war, pulling the thick skin off the flesh. This works, but does have the prerequisite of a dozen incredibly strong chefs. A more replicable method I have seen a clan of Gnomes near Aglarond use is based on sawing the Froghemoth into large pieces, then using good cleaver skills to make long cuts along the length of the pieces. These long cuts will give space for the knife to get between the skin and the flesh, separating it while pulling it off. This method has worked for me, though I will not call it easy. That skin just does not want to come off. 

You may be tempted to just leave the skin on and roast it whole, but even Orcs shy away from that idea. The Froghemoth excretes a sticky ooze through its pores which helps keep it moist and difficult to grab. If the skin is not first removed and the flesh then washed down to remove this substance, it will impart a terribly bitter taste to the meat making it almost unpalatable.

Flavour

So now that your meat has been skinned and cleaned, let’s talk about the haul. The Froghemoth has the following major parts: the tentacles, the eyes, the eye stalk, the legs, and the rest of the body. I group the rest of the body together as the flesh is rather similar in that grouping, or at least much different than the other more interesting parts. The eyes have a very metallic taste and a purely gelatinous consistency. They also have some mild psychedelic effects, and are thus revered as a delicacy by many that enjoy dabbling in that kind of entertainment. In most cases, they are either eaten raw, or chilled, but I have also seen them poached lightly in wine and stock. By lightly, I mean very lightly as they fall apart very easily and do not harden much under heat. The eye stalk on the other hand is very fibrous and incredibly tough, but it does fall apart when braised or cooked low and slow. This is my personal favorite part of the Froghemoth, as it has a similar mouthfeel to good brisket, but with a more fishy taste, similar to catfish, and is particularly delicious when smoked with Underdark mushrooms and cave wood. 

That being said, the eyes and eyestalk are a very small portion of the Froghemoth, and the vast majority of the meat is on the body and legs. The flavour of this meat is quite distinct, giving the salty, briny taste you find in shellfish, but with an almost dank, earthy aftertaste that sticks on your palette like an exotic mushroom would. However the real barrier to entry for the less culinarily exploratory is the texture. The meat on the body is almost jelly like, and further disintegrates under heat. This can make cooking it correctly difficult, especially when using equipment that doesn’t allow for good heat control. The meat from the legs is slightly more temperature stable, and can even be seared to get some browning, but the mouthfeel is very similar to that of the body. 

Cooking

Cooking this beast is just as difficult of an endeavor as killing it and preparing it is. Many highly trained chefs and culinarians have discovered ways to work with the meat, instead of against it, using it for aspics and for forcemeats in interesting cold sausages. But if you are not equipped with this knowledge, the meat defies the basic cooking methods that most home cooks use. For many, their only experience with Froghemoth meat is something in a bowl resembling gelatinous gruel. Because of this, many common people find food from this creature absolutely abhorrent. On the other hand, many in high society will go far out of their way to get a chance at eating this. Some nobles even use it as a measuring stick for nobility itself, joking that no commoner could appreciate the nuance of Froghemoth Terrine. Plenty of  old money nobles have served this to adventurers who have recently come into money as a way to put up a cultural wall between them, as if they’re saying “you might be able to afford to live with us, but you’ll never be one of us”.

Froghemoth Terrine:

The nature of the meat lends it to more delicate methods of preparation, a piece of irony given the monster it comes from. One of these methods is to poach the meat in a combination of light wine and stock with some spices and berries. Different kitchens have their own preferences on the combination of these ingredients, but a safe choice is a light, slightly acidic white wine, thyme, ginger, and blackcurrants.

The meat is submerged in the cold liquid and then gently brought up to temp. This dish is a true test of skill as the chef has to balance the doneness. If the terrine is undercooked, the texture will not be consistent, if it is overcooked, it will lose its integrity and become a soup.  The mark of a good terrine is a perfectly evenly cooked cross section that is tender enough to spread on a piece of toast, yet still has the gelatinous wobble and hasn’t liquefied.

Poached Froghemoth Eyes:

This method of preparation is very similar to preparing meat for the terrine. The eyes are removed and gently cleaned, then poached in a pot filled with light wine, fish stock, allspice, cloves, and sweet herbs. The goal is to just warm them through without letting them fall apart in the stock. This is especially important as high heat can remove the psychedelic effects from the eyes, so keep the heat as low as you can. Serve immediately, and make sure you have the rest of the day free. I have also tried this poached in Drow spider wine, and that was quite the experience.

Braised Froghemoth Eyestalk:

Finally a recipe where more cooking is a good thing. You do not need to be worried about overcooking the eyestalk, as the longer it goes on, the more it will soak up the braising liquid and the more tender it will become, in a good way.

This is a very simple braising recipe and is very forgiving. Chop up the eye stalk into portions, similar to pieces of oxtail. Sautee those off in butter until lightly browned and a good amount of fond forms on the bottom of the pot. Next, slice up an onion, carrot, and celery into large chunks and add to the pot until they are slightly browned. We don’t want them cooked through completely or they will fall apart in the braise. Now deglaze with a mixture of dark beer and chicken or turkey stock. Any fowl stock works well, and I actually really enjoy Axe Beak or Terrorbird stock as well if you can get your hands on it. Now just add in some bay leaves, peppercorns and a bit of salt, and let the pot sit on a low flame for a few hours, at least 3, but I often let it go overnight. Finally, serve immediately with some bread or potatoes, and some chopped herbs to cut through the richness.